| Remission. |
[26 Jan 2010|06:07am] |
So I guess now is as good as anytime to post seeing as to no one really reads these things anymore and I actually have time.
I went to sleep early tonight but was woken up by my beautiful daughter who was sweating because her daddy over-covered her. I guess that is the way fathers are supposed to be though: protective and nurturing. And seeing as to how we are the hands that feed her I had to do that, as well... Although I don't really mind at all.
Late at night when I am taking care of her and the world is asleep I talk to her. I tell her how much I love her and that she changed my life in ways that I never thought could happen. And somehow I know that she understands me. She will stare at me with her beautiful, piercing gray eyes and see right through me. She wraps her tiny fingers around one of mine and I know that she's listening. She is already my best friend and I love her beyond words could ever explain. You think that you know what love is and how it works. Then this tiny human being comes into your life and you are overwhelmed with this completely brand-new feeling. I want nothing more for her than everything that I never had. I want all of what little good is left in this world for her and I never want her to know pain.
Cody is such a good dad to her. He never really talks to her much in front of me, but I hear him sometimes when he thinks that I am sleeping. This love is a private thing, I guess. He holds her and cares for her very gently. He looks like a giant holding her tiny little frame in his arms. He kisses her and tells her that she is his little girl and I fall even more in love with him when I am supposed to be dreaming.
This love keeps me awake most nights. I sit and stare at this perfect little creature sleeping. Making noises while she is dreaming. She lights up my nights even in her sleep. She is a comedian and doesn't even know that she makes me laugh more than anyone else ever has.
She's put a permanent smile on my face. After 18 hours of labor I gave birth to her on January 6th at 8:48 PM. When she was first put into my arms I felt really strange. Like I was supposed to feel something that wasn't there. Then later that night I would hold her and still feel this awkward void. I am not sure how to explain it, really. The next day when the nursery brought her to me I sat and nursed her. She was so tiny. Suddenly I looked at her and my heart completely melted. I finally understood what people meant by "unconditional love". It didn't hit me immediately, but it did hit me.
All great relationships take time, I suppose.
She is growing everyday and it makes me sad sometimes. I remember her as the tiny thing that I would hold and nurse and now she is growing up before my eyes. The past few weeks have been a whirlwind. She is my inspiration & my everything and I am nothing without her. Cody is my soulmate and it would be possible for me to live without him, but I would never want to dream of it.
I have never been so overwhelmed by love.
The day we brought her home.
Her perfect and peaceful sleeping face.
Her daddy holding her up to see the world.
And giving her a good place to sleep.
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[05 Jan 2010|12:42am] |
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It is weird to think that by the end of the week I will be a mother to a beautiful little baby girl. I can't wait.
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[01 Jan 2010|07:15am] |
Awake at 7am on New Years Day. I obviously was not out partying last night unless you count hanging out with Cody, My sister-in-law Rikki and her husband Clay, and their daughter Aleah talking about family members and laughing until we cried. Oh, and Sofie was there too just kicking around. I wouldn't have had it any other way. I really do love my family.
They are scheduling my induction on Monday. I am so excited to have her and hold her in my arms. I cannot wait. I am just so ready to see her beautiful little face and meet the sweet little baby whose been keeping me awake for all of these months. Pregnancy is such a weird thing.
Hope everyone had a fun and safe New Year's.
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[16 Dec 2009|10:59am] |
I love it when I wake up in the mornings and sit in my chair. Sofie is always so active during this time and I kind of feel like this is our "bonding" time. She just kicks and squirms and I laugh and watch my belly move all over the place. I play her music sometimes, too.
It's hard to believe that she will probably be in my arms next week. Don't get me wrong, I am READY to not be pregnant anymore, but I didn't want to have to give birth under these circumstances. Leave it up to my body to not be a good place for a baby. I don't drink, do drugs, smoke, but for some reason my body is sending toxins to her. It makes me feel really crappy, but as long as she is healthy I am okay.
Pregnancy is really such a weird thing. I have never really been the "nurturing" type. I didn't even know if I wanted children. As soon as I heard her heartbeat and saw her up on that screen none of that mattered. She is the single most important thing to me and she isn't even out of the womb yet. I just can't wait to meet her and hold her. I just want to give her the world and it's depressing knowing that I can't.
I don't know. I am going to go eat some food and feed this growing five pound baby inside of me.
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[04 Dec 2009|07:55am] |
I feel like Cody and I have the worst luck with life. It seems like crappy stuff ALWAYS happens to us at this time of the year.
But reason number one why I love Cody?: "We love each other more than anything and that's more than most people in this world have. So we are pretty lucky."
I have been in a freaky/clean-y mood lately. I am working on washing all of Sofie's clothes for her. I think it's called "nesting" but I am not really sure. I just want things to be perfect for her. I feel like she is coming this month. I don't know why, but I just have that feeling. It's so strange because I feel like this pregnancy has seriously flown by. I have been completely miserable most of the time, but I am sure it will be gratifying once she is in my arms.
I never expected to start a family this early in my life. I was always kind of a pessimist about it, really. I can't imagine things any other way now.
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[29 Nov 2009|09:33pm] |
Honestly, I am absolutely miserable right now.
I am eight months pregnant and huge. I am losing my mucous plug. My boobs are leaky. Contractions sometimes wake me up at night if I am not already awake from peeing ten million times. And to top all of this off: My throat feels like fire, I can't breath out of my nose, and my head weighs approximately 30 pounds.
Thank you.
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[10 Nov 2009|09:01pm] |
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I am so excited about my baby shower this Saturday!
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[15 Oct 2009|06:27am] |
I am up so early! I hate it. I just want to crawl back into bed and snuggle up with myself.
I ordered my baby crib yesterday. I am so excited about it.
This is what it looks like, except it's in black.
I also am trying to decide between two different crib bedding sets. I keep asking Cody for his opinion but all that he cares about is getting the stroller and car seat that he wants for the baby. Which is pretty hilarious to me. He is always like, "I can't be hauling around something girly all of the time." I guess that he just doesn't get the fact that we are HAVING A GIRL. Not that I am obsessed with pink, or anything. In all actuality I am trying to avoid pink as much as possible.
In other news that is not baby related--
I am so glad to have a day off after working over a week straight. It feels nice knowing that I can just relax all day and not worry about anything.
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[08 Oct 2009|01:36pm] |
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Right now I am so exhausted for some reason. I spent the morning grocery shopping and watching A Baby Story. I swear it's like I am those babies mothers because I cry all the time. It's probably just my hormones though. Who knows. I am crazy and just seriously can't wait until Sofie pops out and shows her beautiful head.
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[02 Oct 2009|06:47am] |
I am eating Fiber One cereal at six forty seven in the morning with a banana. How old of me.
So I am having a baby girl. And I'm pretty siked about this. I can't wait until she is actually here. Hopefully she has some hairs on her head.
Anyway. I have to work this morning. FML. Seriously. This job was just supposed to be a few hours during the week and has turned into long shifts with my feet swelling to unimaginable sizes.
Uh. FML.
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[24 Sep 2009|12:54pm] |
It's crazy to think that it's already October. I will have my baby in JANUARY. It's crazy/retarded/scary but exciting all at the same time. I never believed people when they would tell me to enjoy my youth. It seems like after I hit eightteen the fast forward button has been mashed down and everything is going so quickly. It's insane and so much has changed but I really like the direction that everything is flying in.
The baby is kicking me all of the time now. We didn't get to find out what the sex was at the last ultrasound because it was cross legged and curled up with its hands over its face. Luckily I am getting another ultrasound on Tuesday so it's kind of like a second chance.
I don't really care what it is anymore. Everyone is pretty convinced it's a girl, though. The names we have picked out are:
Sofia Addison Otts or
Jax Owen Otts
I would be really siked to use either of them.
I am glad that fall is peaking its head around the corner. I missed the cool weather.
Hope all is well.
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[15 Jul 2009|02:10am] |
Livejournal is gay, but for an updates sake:
I had my first ultrasound last Wednesday. They couldn't get a good measurement because the little things wouldn't stop flipping around. The lady said it looked like he/she was having a party. It looked like a shrimp. Cody couldn't stop smiling and i couldn't as well. The heartbeat was 180 which the nurse said means girl.
Uhhh... To be continued..
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[10 Jun 2009|02:24am] |
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Oh hey, I'm pregnant.
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[22 Apr 2009|03:25am] |
I went running tonight to get a feeling of freedom. The air was really cold hitting my bare legs and instruments were pounding heavily in my ears. Not too heavy, though-- I couldn't still hear my feet pounding the pavement everytime I took another step into the world. I felt like every footstep was a broken link to a chain of society. Money, Responsibility, Commitments: I was free. As my breathing got heavier along with the dramatic music I began to wonder if this all was for real. Could you run to freedom? Could you let your feet lift off into the unknown and diappear? I felt like I was doing just that. I took a corner into uncharted territory when I got an overpowering rush of energy. I wiped the sweat from my forehead and began to smile as I was making my break. I was going the distance and heading to the destination of opportunities and everything felt new.
And then I woke up.
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[14 Jan 2009|12:16am] |
We are like savages.
We tear into each other without remorse.
Only listening to our hearts. We need
this nourishment to survive.
We are like savages.
We bite into each others flesh relentlessly.
Breathing in the scent of one another;
Consuming each others drug.
We are like savages.
We stalk one another aimlessly and strategically
like a predator is drawn to its prey.
We are like savages.
Love makes us this way.
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| Tonight was a good night. |
[04 Jan 2009|04:24am] |
Even though we did our own things, tonight was great because I know I love you and that you love me back. You make me smile when I cry. And cry when I laugh. You know the right things to say even when you say the wrong ones. You are a part of me, and I'm a part of you. We are in this together, even if it is a sinking ship. You complete me. You were my 2008. Now be my 2009. Partner.
Me.
Us.
The World.
We.
Let's go to sleep.
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[18 Dec 2008|04:16am] |
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[10 Dec 2008|03:04am] |
I miss Clarksville.
I always feel like something is missing.
And I know it's all of you I left behind.
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[17 Nov 2008|05:08pm] |
I love the fact that when i go to write in here that it's all happy stuff. Even if I don't know what to type, things that I'm happy about flood from my mouth onto the screen.
I love this life that Cody and I are making for ourselves. I think we helped each other in a lot of ways deal with our lives. Like he makes me feel good. And makes me feel like he needs me around and would'nt do anything to lose me. And I think that I helped him grow up in a lot of ways. It's just a really healthy relationship. I think that all of my friends can vouch that my previous ones were pretty terrible, but this one is awesome!
Anyway-- I am so siked about Thanksgiving. I am so fat for saying it, but it's my favorite holiday. I can't wait for it. We are staying here and eating with my family for Thanksgiving. And Christmas day we will be with his family. It will be kind of crazy to see how somebody else celebrates Christmas, because I am so used to the way my family does it. My family gets really into it, and he says his does too so that makes me feel pretty excited.
Right now I am about to go to my cousin's first grade play where he is a turkey. I miss all of you a lot, and can't wait to see my Clarksville babies.
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